This information is from my domestic violence course and my own personal experience. This is the cycle of domestic violence, the dance that is always done here! This cycle will continue until the person is educated and then leaves the situation. If you want to know who the abuser is in a situation you can ask yourself this question! Who holds all the power? That person is the abuser always!

There is a wheel that is used to show this cycle that is happening i will show this on my video i will do about this. This cycle is for men and women who experience violence the cycle is the same.

Build Up Phase

This is where there is escalating violence or tension, anger, evil intent, increased verbal, physical, emotional, sexual or financial abuse, mental, spiritual abuse. This is volatile and unpredictable behaviour from another person. Here little things causing big upsets, there are put downs, a build up of aggression, unmet needs will not be met for expectations that are held here, A person holding stored resentment for another person, feeling like shit, upset, unsettled, jealous, envoy, feeling let down by others, unstable, disappointment, unsafe, unloved, fighting energy. Needing to make a scene, create a drama, holding hostility for another person.

Stand Over Phase

Feeling backed into a corner, trapped in some way, unable to get out of a situation, feeling provoked and targeted by others, pushing to do something, to act in a certain way, asking for trouble, wanting you to react to them, extremely frightened for your safety and children’s safety, escalating behaviour, anger and reactions being shown, feeling more unpredictable, unsafe by others around you, unstable in manner, reactionary, feel like walking on eggshells, Being in complete fear and trauma of what is to come of a reaction an explosion, feeling that what ever you do is wrong and the wrong move to make. Seeing the situation getting worse for you, deteriorating to feeling completely out of control, using force, suspicion. Treated roughly, pressured, no rational decision. Losing your centre and balance. Feeling powerless or paralysed, had enough, afraid for safety.

Explosion Phase

This is loud, angry, aggressive, a peak in violence has happened here and in the relationship with this person. You feel misunderstood, lousy, drained, hot burning energy, high blood pressure, fearful, anxious, very tense, wanting to kill someone, having murderous thoughts, feeling overwhelmed emotions, knots in your stomach. The abuser will use violence, anger, upset, and releases how they really feel to you, the mask has come off, you see the real person for the first time here. This release of anger and rage can feel addictive to you.

Remorse Phase

Feeling relief, pissed off, showing compassion to abused and targeted person. Not feeling good inside, failed, did wrong to others, fucked up, ugly behaviour, guilty, shame, feeling empty, let down, having to say sorry, to make amends to others for wrong doings, did not mean it, very disappointed, ashamed of how you behaved with others, retreating from the self, cuff off from those around you. Having withdrawn, feeling bad, needing to justify your behaviour to others abused, of how you acted, what you showed others, feelings you need to make up for what was done here, not right and in guilty, having guilt feelings inside you. Scared, not wanting to bother, distancing yourself, here we go again, angry, shame, feeling physically ill. Too many problems here, can’t do as you wish too, you see a self- filling prophecy happening to you. Resisting them is too hard, too many problems to overcome, no agreement made, damaged self esteem, feeling anxious and helpless alone, no support, overweight, overrun, rundown, need to comply to orders, feeling tired to resist, develop a habit of compliance to abuser, they are showing superiority to others and giving you no hope for future. They hold all the governing power in the relationship here.

Buy Back Phase

Promising to do better with others changed behaviour having to make up for what was done to make amends to others. Looking at what you can do better next time, looking at past behaviour, putting blame on why you acted and did what you did or said, feeling attentive, buying goods and gifts to abused person. Presents, promising better outcomes, change, changed behaviour, sucking up to others and victims of abuse. Getting flowers, making a nice meal for someone, to make up with another person, to spoil someone, helping them out, giving away possessions, helping out around the house. Talking calmly with kindness, acting like all is normal and OK no harm was done here. Telling you that you are the boss, not wanting you to be alone with yourself not speaking up, powerless, deceived, suspicious, relief, frustrated, not much changing, not wanting to accept the truth of the situation, unforgiving.

Honeymoon Phase

Problem solving, feeling calm, peaceful, make up sex, relaxed, smiling, talking of how they will change and do better here. Made to feel special and wanted by partner. Promises, future faking, in denial of all the abuse that has previously happened to victim. Of the abuse and past, the violence wanting to keep the relationship going, ignoring the past of future violent events, cancelling all violence orders for protection of victim, barriers are down, saying you over reacted, imagined the abuse that happened, over time this phase fades away and the cycle begins again.

Warning Signs Of Abuse To Look Out For

Possible domestic violence or family violence( from another family member) for women and men to look out for. If you see this then you can ask some questions to get more info from the person so you can make a decision on what to do and if violence is really happening here!

Appears nervous, ashamed or even evasive to you.

Describes the partner or family member as controlling or prone to anger bursts.

Seems uncomfortable or anxious in the presence of this person.

The other person or partner does all the talking will not allow the actual person to talk for themselves at all or without the other person physically there.

Gives an unconvincing explanation of any injuries that have occurred to them.

Has recently been separated or divorced from another person.