What is Co- dependency?

So what is co-dependency it is relying on another person for lots of things and sometimes you can even try to be them and their identity. If you are dependant on another person I know how that feels because I was like that for the first part of my life and very co-dependant on my identical twin sister for everything. She would make all decisions in my life and even talking for me. She would have to do every single thing for me as I could not do or be anything without holding her hand and being physically connected to her. I very rarely did anything and was just controlled by her or others around me. It was like I was not even there and just just a body with no mind of my own. I would like just go along with her or others so I kept the peace. I very rarely spoke or made a decision of my own. I found it took lots of really small steps to change from this identity and to become my own person with my own goals and personal values to stand in your own power. So if you are experiencing this I support you and I understand how you really feel. What I did was took lots of really small steps till I realised that I was not her and that I had different goals and dreams that I wanted to achieve in my life. If you feel this way in your life then I want to tell you that you can do this too!

For identical twins it can be really hard because you look the same have the same DNA and come from the same cell from your parents. There is even a cord between you that never breaks and you are connected in a really special way always knowing how the other one is feeling and thinking. What I found was that many people around you are misguided and will tell you that you have to be the same as the other twin and that you can never be different in any way. I would actually get told that I am never allowed to be different that I had to be just like a duplicate of my twin sister a clone and always had to be with her and make the same decisions as her. So for anyone who is a twin I really do understand how it feels for you.

We would actually get called “the twins” not our real names most of the time which can be confusing to not be treated as a separate person but as one identity for both of you. Even getting combined presents at Christmas and birthdays. I also found living in domestic violence made you want to not be yourself and make your own decisions to cling to each other for safety and security. Having self esteem and safety issues can also make it hard but these issues can be worked on to make things better for you so you can be your own person again.

Here are some things I would recommend that you do if you have twins always call them by their own names, let them be apart sometimes and have different friends and interests that they like. Allow them to be individuals when ever possible. Dress them different in what they would like to wear.

Many domestic violence survivors are actually co-dependant on their abusive partners. This can make it hard for you leave an abuser but if you get support you can succeed in doing this. Co-dependency is no good for anyone as we all need to be true to ourselves. Those with low self esteem, poor personal development, addictions and metal health issues are often have some co-dependency issues. If you have co-dependency issues you will value other peoples needs more than your own life and personal values. None of this behaviour is healthy or should be thought of as normal for you. This is not a good place to be so start looking after yourself better with small steps that you can take. Learn to do your own thing and not have to rely on anyone else for your own needs. Stand up for yourself and your own rights is very important and this can be done in small ways at first till you are able to be bold and take bigger steps to be fully in your own power that you hold. This comes from inside of you not from an outside source. Become your own person with your own rules and feelings and take responsibility for your own life and truth. There is lots of help out there so just check out what is available to you in your community and also on line for you to use. Often those who are in domestic violence can find it hard to stand up and leave so they look after their personal needs. It can even be frightening to stand up about this and for yourself. Abusers can condition you, so that you are not able to do anything for yourself but this is just mental abuse to stay a helpless victim. Find out what core values you hold and what matter to you in your life there is information on this on our websites and u tube channel. Be real and honest to yourself as you don’t need to rely on another person for your own well being. There is also information on a self esteem course you can do at home and a card with info on all of this. However when you have lost yourself and you need others to fill you are not whole and need to work on your self-esteem so that you feel whole again and you do not need to get this power from another person but from within you. Look at doing some inner work on your wounds and issues so you can do better in your life. To own your own inner power from being yourself and true to your own goals. Always get yourself more support so you are helped and no alone on your journey of recovery.

There is information on our website

www.stopalldomesticviolenceinc.com and u tube channel Suzanne Rosemary Day all about this