This information is from my own personal experience and the trauma and recover book by Judith Herman. This information can not be copied or used without my permission as it is copyrighted.
I was a victim of Stockholm syndrome. I was burnt, stabled, raped, beaten, tortured, drowned, starved kidnapped, rammed with a truck, stalked, threatened, blackmailed, tried to blow me up with the oven gas, and kept as a prisoner in captivity. Afterwards I visited my partner in maximum jail who was in jail for murder of a policeman in a domestic. He never told me about this or his past abuse of other victims including children when I met him. At the beginning of the relationship he was very charming and kind to me which I found out later is very common in domestic violence cases I was soon to find out, he actually had a thirty year criminal history of assaults on his police record. I found out about this when his court case came up for murder, months later. By then I had seen signs of domestic violence against me and then, I realised that this was his true behaviour. His solicitor had told him to get a new girl friend as it would look good for his court case murder trial (I was that new girl friend). I was very shocked as to my situation, I had never had contact with the police, or criminals or jail before. I was very shy and reserved with very little life skills or knowledge and experience in relationships. Even though I was born into domestic violence and had seen it happening to my mum as a child daily and had it in every relationship, that I had been in. I had no education about this at the time and I though that domestic violence happens in every relationship so why leave it will just be the same situation happening to me. When the violence was happening to me, domestic violence was only just starting to be talked about and addressed so the help I received was dysfunctional, not coordinated or professional as it should have been. Although the local detectives had been keeping a file on me as the violence was so bad with details of violent indecent ‘s that had happened to me. The Detective who was running my rape trial saw this file and used it in my sexual assault trial. There were no real statements made, crime scene evidence collected or protection and support for me even though there were thousands of assaults I had experienced from him. I was so frightened as he and other inmates from jail, his friends were threatening to kill me and my family members. if I did not do what he wanted me to do. He had told me that he would send hit man after me if I ever left him and spoke about the abuse of me and child by him. I had just given birth to a new baby from him. I was very frightened and did not know what to do. The wedding that was planned had been cancelled by my older sister, as I was taken to hospital unconscious in an ambulance and nearly died the day before. My sister told my dad he tried to kill her, she can’t marry him, he wants her dead. My neighbour had called the police emergency line 198 times for my safety where police came to our house to see if I was OK. But unfortunately the situation was not handled as it should have been, as domestic violence was only just starting to be talked about and stopped then. My neighbour did this because he could see the violence through a side window of our house that looked onto his kitchen. He also told the detective who ran my catague 3 sexual assault trial (the worst and longest assault on me) I had been raped for eight hours when seven and half months pregnant. I nearly lost my baby and started to have a miscarriage from this assault. He told him he heard continual thumps coming from our house, the detective wanted to know what that was from. I told him it was me and my baby being thrown against the walls of the house by my abuser, we were bouncing off the walls of our house. I was so traumatised by all of the abuse that had happened to me. “I just did want he wanted so everyone got to live.” I was so overwhelmed by everything that had happened to me, from all the trauma. I had shut down mentally. At least when he went to maximum jail, the physical abuse and sexual assaults had stopped on me. I was so grateful for this happening at this time. So I visited him in maximum jail for six and a half years, it felt like the safest answer at the time for me to take. I took our son with me to visit him in maximum jail. Over the years I was going to plan how to get away from him. After my son was abused by him and his family members he wanted me to pretend that nothing had happened to our son. I was so outraged by this he had threatened me continually with sending hit man after me if I did not do what he wanted for six years. So when my son was six and half years old I stood up in maximum jail and told him to just send the hit men after me as I had seen and experienced enough non- stop abuse from him over the years. I walked out of maximum jail with my son and told him you might be able to abuse me “but you will not do it to our child!” I reported this event to docs, police and the support agencies helping me at the time. Later I did work for the Police system in Australia helping to educate new training detectives who work with sexual assault victims, as a victim of one of the worst sexual assault cases in Australia. The domestic violence officer looking after me said my case would be a great case to use in training of new detectives as I had experienced every possible failure in police procedure there was and every type of abuse. I also made changes to the system for rape and domestic violence survivors as I had gone to every department in the government with help from a member of parliament who heard about my story to get changes made, that I felt needed to be made for future victims. I was also used in the Sunday Telegraph Campaign to get changes made for sexual assault survivors in Rape trials. I was also in a woman’s magazine Take 5 asking survivors of domestic violence to speak out and get help. Later the Domestic Violence Prevention Team in Australia a Government Department that works to improve the laws and policies for domestic violence asked me to meet with them to get more changes made to the system. They told me that my story had a huge impact on them, on what needs to happen for victims of domestic violence and that they would be making some changes in Australia because of my case.
This condition of Stockholm syndrome also happens to lots of other victims of domestic violence from the crimes against them. There are a physical set of behaviours that set this condition. It can also happen to those who have experienced captivity, battered persons, hostage situations and coercion. An abuser will use false information to silence their victim. This condition can also happen to groups of people or even to a whole country when they are all being abused. A victim will try to appease the abuser, to keep the peace and make things OK for them again. They are trying to get help and make things go back to normal again for them. They do this so they can feel safe again. A victim will feel fear, terror, isolation, anger, disbelief, not able to escape the abuse happening to them. They think if they please the abuser they will be helped by them. This is misleading information as the captive will try to work with the abuser to fix, to improve the situation. But the abuser has complete control over the victim, they want to silence them in any way that they can. This is where they will often shut down to the abuse, to numb themselves as to what is really happening to them. Being cut off from society and other ways of receiving help from others. Sometimes the relationship with this abuser will be positive other times it will be abusive and very unsafe. Sometimes they will show that they care about you, other times they will not. Often very controlling, so victims use a coping mechanism to survive the abuse they are really experiencing here. As a result of this abuse they will have huge trauma of being in captivity with their abuser. Feeling tormented, trapped with no way out. When in the captive stage there will be a threat made to your life or another person’s life. You will often feel gratitude to your abuser for not killing you, and allowing you to live. You can feel that your life has been saved by your abuser. Sometimes you will feel grateful to them, that you were not killed by your abuser. They can love bomb you which creates a trauma bond with you. You are made to feel safe, and then unsafe this is all part of the cycle of abuse that victims go through. Those who have been in captivity, domestic violence survivors, hostages, kidnapping victims, will all experience this cycle. You will feel confused, overwhelmed, controlled as a victim. Rules will continually change, your situation will change, to confuse you, overwhelm you and unbalance you so you feel unstable. The goal posts during the abuse, will change all the time so you will never know how to act and behave. Sometimes you will be made to feel special, then the goal posts will continually change for you, the techniques used on you will change again.
Other people will be surprised as to how victims act, how they support the abusers, of them. But this is part of the cycle it is normal to behave this way. After years of abuse they received in violence against them, they think the police are the enemy and not on their side. That they need to be feared by victims. Believing the police are the enemy and not to be trusted by you. I can relate to this as my abuser would program me, that the police were the enemy and not on my side for hours and hours on a daily basis I was programmed with this information. You are trying to survive in an environment that is in par with the abuse that is going on to you. They will mentally be unable to leave the situation, frozen in fear and are trapped in the abuse continually happening to you. When in this situation you actually want to stay on the abusers side, as you have been programmed by them, through trauma. You will often defend your abuser as you are in a trauma bond with them. You will feel grateful that you were not killed by your abuser. Some victims do not want to leave their abuser and stay a captive to them for their whole life. They feel they need to stay in this abuse and can’t leave ever. Victims will feel bonded to their abusers not wanting to ever leave them feeling that they need to be with them to survive. They are co- dependant on the abuser now. As you are mentally unable to leave and feel completely stuck in time and to fight against the violence that is actually happening to you here. You will often defend your abuser as you are in a trauma bond with them.
Refusing to speak to the police and get the help they so badly need as they are programmed by the abuser. Doing all of these behaviours are actually normal for victims and most police understand about this and what is happening here. This is how victims behave after the terrible trauma they have been through. Some feel like they need to be abused now that this is normal for them as it is all they have ever know. This situation and behaviour talked about here happens a lot to victims of abuse. They can refuse to leave the abuser and will want to stay with them forever. When you are in this situation you don’t actually want to cause trouble for anyone to just live your own life. Often the victims of these kinds of crimes will feel special in some way for what has happened to them as what happened to them is an experience outside the norms of society that most people have never experienced.
Recovery is found for you when you are out of this situation and in safety which is the first step of your recovery. When you get into safety, a counsellor will reconstruct the trauma story with you so you start to heal from all of this. It is important for you to use your own words to describe what happened to you and how you really felt, so all of this pain is released and let go of by you. As you reconstruct the story you can draw, write, sing or play to help you with this action that needs to be done here, so you heal from the abuse. It is important to get the story out in some way so it is released from your cell memory so that you can heal from this experience. You need to get the trauma out of your cell memory and auric fields so you are free of this abuse. This is transmuted for you and then integrated with you again into your being, then you are raised to a higher vibration and frequency with all your integrated soul fragments that had separated from you when in trauma back together again. You will get reconnected to your family and friends for support after you are in safety.
Victims will have flashbacks, post traumatic stress disorder, mental health issues as a result of the violence they received from the abuse. An abuser can leave the door open and the victim will just sit there unable to move or leave. I was like this I physically could not move was in so much fear for my life and life of my child that I could not move at all.
This is a psychological response where a victim develops an emotional bond with their captor or abuser. This can include sympathy, positive feelings, a desire to protect the abuser, nightmares, not able to trust others, this is a survival mechanism. The causes and factors involved are survival strategies that are developed, during an emotional connection in a perceived dangerous situation, to increase the feelings of safety of the self. The power imbalances creates this sense of fear developed here. This creates a sense of dependency so you can’t leave them, feel dependant on them for your life. Minimising the abuse, suppressing your anger, dependent behaviour, co-dependent, rage and fear. When away from the abuser the survivor needs to work on their instincts, needs self care to reclaim there self worth and love for self. Often they will feel sorry for the abuser, saying they did not mean to abuse you. Their will be extreme stress and continual threats to your life. The abuser exerts control, over their victim, manipulates your emotions, thoughts and actions. You will often feel like you need the abuser to now survive and can’t make it on your own. The survivor of this abuse can even take on the abuser’s identity. The victim’s of this abuse, live in fear, they are in fear of retaliation, this is reinforced by an emotional bond to their abuser. The longer this situation goes on the more chance they will have Stockholm syndrome. All captors behaviour will show chronic feelings of tension, shared kindness, sometimes genuine, this makes the love bond which is even more confusing. The victim is in denial of the real situation with cognitive dissonance, rationalising how the abuser behaves, thinking they are saving your life that everything was really a big misunderstanding, you will mistrust others that are around you. This situation of Stockholm syndrome is actually happening in the world at the moment with all the abuse going on.
Four Conditions Need to Exist for Stockholm Syndrome
1 Risk to your life or a family member that you love.
2 Kindness in between the violence that is happening.
3 Isolation from others and the community.
4 Inability to escape from the abuse going on.
Books Helpful For This Type Of Abuse
Battered Woman Syndrome by Lenore E A Walker
Trauma and Recovery Judith Herman Ph D.
The Body Keeps The Score Bessel van Der Kolk (He is the worlds expert on trauma and post traumatic stress disorder).It is easy to read and shows what is happening to your brain.
The Vagus Nerve Reset Anna Ferguson trauma survivor and anxiety coach.
Taking Control Tor Roxburgh worked in a refuge.
What Happen To You? Bruce D Perry, MD, PhD.
The Complex PTSD Workbook Arielle Schwartz Ph D.