Here is a poem i wrote about my experience as writting about what happened to you is a great way to help you to heal. To get the the pain out of your system and to also give it a voice so it is not stuck inside of you. I was have counselling and working with my case worker at the crisis centre doing courses at the time. I won an award for this poem i wrote. We did a lot of creative work at the crisis centre using our experience to show how we felt so we could let it go.
The pain was trapped inside me.
I was too frightened to give it a voice.
My anger grew louder and louder until it vowed all of me.
It had nowhere to go but to hide inside me.
I screamed and screamed but no one came to my aid.
No one helped me!
No one wanted to know how I lived and how I survived.
It was too painful for other people to accept.
I had been forgotten left behind with all my pain still deep inside me.
My screams and pain were lost in the night.
But no one cared, nobody wanted to know.
They all watched from the other side of the road
watched all night with eyes glaring at me
but no action just silence, that shouted all around me they were glued to their windows
They must of thought it was a movie
Watching live violence but this was real this was my life.
But no one cared about my baby and me or my life.
For sometime I was so angry at them
that I had crossed these people off my list of people forever.
They didn’t exist to me any more, they were even dead to me.
But now I am learning to forgive them
and for there in-action and help for me.
Now I am trying to use this pain inside me to help others so it has some where positive to go.
So I can make a positive change for the future of others.
You see all though this night my body was violently merged with another.
Hour after hour this went on and on.
I had to hide further and further into my own being until I was barely there.
All the while I felt my injured baby shake violently inside me from the violence I received and
in those moments I didn’t know if it would live.
Could it survive this- I didn’t know.
I felt indescribable pain from feeling this hurt inside me.
I knew that I wanted my baby to live.
I loved it like nothing I had ever loved before.
So I did the only thing I could in those moments of hell.
I prayed for it’s life continually saying loving words to it over and over again
for hours and days at a time.
Hoping that it would survive this madness that was violently happening to me.
But then later a miracle happened-my baby lived-
my baby survived the fight of it’s life.
For a while after this violence there was only a shell of me left.
My boundaries had been violated pushed and pushed until I was stuck inside myself.
I was forgotten left behind in the dark of night but did anyone care. I think not!
There was nowhere to go and no one to care how I felt.
Did anyone understand my pain? I think not!
You see these horrible memories were stuck to my thoughts glued there permanently
for so long they were all that I saw and felt.
After these events I was changed- I was now damaged goods,
and changed forever left with all these fragmented parts to myself.
But I’ve been trying to put myself together again
To find myself again and to love myself again
Sometimes even now when I look inside.
I know- that I’m still hiding deep inside me.
Then I ask myself will I ever find myself again?
But then I see where I am hiding and I know that yes there I am that’s a little piece of me that
I remember its still hiding frightened to come out- to be me.
Is it safe to come out?
I ask myself.
Can I show myself again?
Can I ever trust anyone again?
Will I ever be completely whole and unbroken!
Gradually I am getting there more and more every day. I am still healing from this its been
a thirty year journey for me. So I hope and pray that with love from others and myself
that one day I will be completely whole again.
Now I am trying to use this pain inside me to help others
So it has somewhere positive to go.
Then I can make a positive change for the future of others abuse victims too and for me.