I remember this cycle so well when I was living in domestic violence. I would have a restraining order on my abuser and he would repeatedly come back to me and beg me to lift it and take it off him. That he was so sorry for what he has done to me that never again would he make me feel that way ever again. He was now a changed man as he realised what he had done was so wrong. That he wanted to make it all up to me and to spoil me in the way that I should be spoilt. That he would go for counselling and work on his issues as I had asked him to do before. That now he was willing to do this. Sometimes I would have my whole front porch filled with cakes and nice things to eat. But he would leave what he liked to eat not what I like to eat which is stupid really. Other times he would take me out to dinner because I could not stop crying from the abuse and being a prisoner in my own home. So it would be a nice surprise for me to lift my spirits a bit because I would get very down being locked in a house with no contact with the outside world for months. I would have to get dressed in my best clothes so that I could be taken to the best restaurant in town to show how sorry he really was for what happened to me. Then he would insist I order the most expensive item on the menu to eat for dinner but later days later he would be angry at me ordering that item and make me pay for it out of the business money. Then there were the times that he bought me flowers and I would have to stand holding the big bunch of flowers ready for a photo and smile. Earlier he had abused me and I would be really upset but he wanted there to be evidence of how nice he was to me with a romantic poem and a bunch of flowers most expensive usually red roses. Inside I would be so angry at being made to do this and (be happy) for the photo when really their was all this terrible violent abuse happening to me and my baby. I was like a show pony to show the world how nice he was when in fact he was a violent horrible abusive man at home. There were also holidays when he tried to kill me (he tried to drown me in the bath tub a day before our wedding) because I had refused to have sex with him earlier. I was taken to hospital unconscious in an ambulance from being held under the water by him in the bath. He took me against my will forced me into the car and kidnapped me when I was on the street trying to find somewhere safe to go where he would not find me again. I got taken to the central coast for a holiday and spoilt he spent the wedding money on me in about 8 days $5,000 dollars worth. But it was so horrible and abusive and I could never get away from him he was with me all the time and bigger and stronger and I was about six month pregnant. Continually buying me things anything to get me to stay with him. He would also play a song called Sorry Suzanne Sorry for hurting you as I could not stop crying it was his way of trying to say how sorry he was for what he had earlier done but it is all part of the cycle so don’t be fooled. I felt like i was being bought body and soul. I hated it it’s not love, love is a gift it is given freely from one person to another no one owns it or controls it as it is a gift.
Every time he was nice to me he would change days later to be so abusive and controlling. It meant I was getting Avos and taking them off just a few days later till I realised what was happening and it was all a part of the domestic violence cycle. My advise to anyone going through this is don’t be fooled it is all part of the cycle to get you to stay with them. They feel bad for what they have done so will buy or do anything to keep you with them don’t buy it because it is crap. Get yourself educated about the cycle of domestic violence so that you know what is happening to you and can spot it. What needs to happen is that they have the AVO kept on them. They need to leave and be on their own and go and get help away from you. Years later when they have done lots of work on them then maybe you can be with them. They need to work on their issues and have intense counselling to get to this stage. It takes a lots of work from an abuser to fix their problems and they need to do the work not you. Not many do and domestic violence always gets worse not better without the person doing the work on themselves. When it was happening to me it was like living two different lives with the same person the nice side and the bad side. Get out and stay out don’t believe their sob story they tell you it is their responsibility to work on their issues its not your problem so don’t make it so. You are not helping them by staying and being quiet you are enabling their bad behaviour which helps no one. Always report it because if they do it to you they will go on to do it to the next partner that they met and are with. So always report it so that you can help them to get help they need and stop the cycle from continuing to another victim after you.
Moral: Become educated about domestic violence so that you can spot the cycle and what is happening to you!
For more information on my true story bio voices from inside you can read about it on my business website www.stopalldomesticviolence.com